I’ve always been really bad at taking care of myself. I never look cool unless I have a year to collect thrift store clothes, my hair is always raggedy, and I have perma-circles under my eyes. Luckily, my friends and the internet are good at looking good and I’ve implemented a few processes that have dramatically increased the quality of my appearance and life. The amount of time I have to sit on the couch watching Cosby Show reruns has also increased, which I’m really pleased about.

1. No More Showering.

In the morning, I mean. Who wants to walk outside at 6:30 AM with soaking wet hair? I’ve been doing it since I was 16 and I gave it up a couple weeks ago. I do this every night:

And I look like a normal, functioning member of society. Try it. It saves lives.

2. Drinking Coffee.

Up until 3 months ago, I never touched the stuff. Now, I can’t survive without it (it’s almost as if I discovered it).

3. Growing Out My Eyebrows / Smashbox Brow Tech

Something else I’ve been doing since I was 16 (actually, 14) is plucking my eyebrows into oblivion. They were like 1 hair thick for at least 5 years. Now they’re back to bushy, with the little problem of mini bald patches in a few important spots. So attractive, right? My friend Moira started using Smashbox’s Brow Tech on me whenever I would go over looking tired and eyebrow-bald, and it made a world of difference. Just slap on a pair of fake hipster glasses and a sheer lounging robe, and you’re fit for a night of role-playing photoshoots.

4. Moving to the Ghetto.

Ghettoes are usually in the city (inner city!), close to transit, and surrounded by stores with cheap shit. Now I’m closer to work, can get a fake Christmas tree for like $20, and am never bothered by visits from my affluent friends. I’ve only ever seen something written in blood in the elevator once!

5. Getting an iPhone.

My TV-watching time isn’t cut into by my internet-browsing time. 

If anyone has any advice on:

  • saving money
  • not being sick all the time
  • acquiring a decent pair of boots for cheap
  • getting a better job
  • eating vegetables
  • losing 100 pounds

I would love to hear it!